The Games Game

Top Ten Foolish, um, Advices (April 2007)

In honor of April Fool's Day, the other columnists and I thought it would be fun to write a suite of tongue-in-cheek columns, highlighting the foolishness rampant in our chosen industry. When Jim and Matthew approached me with the idea, I had to wrack my brain to come up with something. So how about a top ten of foolish advices?

1. You don't need no stinking degree. Lots of guys have gotten high-paying prestigious jobs in the game industry without one, and there's no reason you can't do it too.

2. You don't need a great portfolio or demo, either. All you have to do is hang out in pubs where game producers get stinking drunk together, and buy them a round of drinks. Once sufficiently soused, one of them is bound to give you a job.

3. Here's another great networking tip. Take a stack of resumes to a game gathering like GDC or your local IGDA chapter gathering, then go from person to person with your hand out. When you've got someone's hand gripped tightly, don't let go, and tell him your life story. He'll have to give you a job to get his hand back.

4. Want to know something about the games game? You don't have to do any research yourself. Sifting through FAQs is for suckers. Just ask anything you want to know on any old forum. You'll get reliable, believable experts falling over themselves to write volumes of helpful information for you. And if it's too much trouble reading long answers, you can just ask them to boil it down to easy one-sentence answers.

5. Start every advice-seeking question with one of the following surefire good-answer magnets:

• "Is it possible to..."
• "Is it enough to..."
• "What's the best..."
• "Which is better..."
• "Is it a waste of time to..."
• "What will happen..."

6. When you've received an answer, impress the advice giver with your inquisitive nature by responding with one of the following:

• "Are you sure?"
• "Is that true?"
• "But I thought..."
• "I always heard..."

7. When you get that job interview, show your creativity through your attire. Combining a necktie and jacket with shorts and sandals, for instance, would show them you're somebody they need to hire.

8. You don't need to move to a gaming hotbed. In the future, everybody will telecommute. Why wait? It can begin with you.

9. One word: freelancing. Who needs a job? Be your own boss! Email your resume to every game company, offering them your freelance services, then sit back and wait for the offers to come rolling in.

10. Once you get a job, you can let it all hang out. Don't like your boss? Tell him so. Want a bigger cubicle or office? Deserve a higher salary or better title than the other guy? Whine until they get tired of hearing it, and you'll get whatever you want. Or even better, a subtle pattern of coming in late and leaving early will show'em they ought to make a better work environment for you.

So there you have it, our suite of columns about foolish games games. We hope you... oh, wait. I just looked at the other guys' columns. They didn't... hey! You guys...! Guess the April Fool is me this year. Grrr. Just you wait...